SmashBurgers
If I were getting the chair I would want this to be my last meal. I am hopeful of not getting the chair, but it’s good to plan ahead.
quickie
• Make special sauce
• Prep the toppings
• Saute the onions
• Smash some burgers
• Enjoy the best life has to offer
• Enjoy heartburn
Serves:
• Makes 4-5 burgers
Nutritional information:
• …???… I went to Sheridan College... for advertising…
Serves well with:
• Fries or salad. However, in the words of Mother Theresa: “You don’t need nothin’ with a perfect cheeseburger.”
Grocery List:
• 1 lb ground beef; ask your butcher for medium or regular, NOT lean. I grind my own and aim for 20-25% fat content.
• Large yellow onion
• Martin's potato rolls (it is definitely worth calling around to find these exact buns if possible.. if not, any crappy white bun will do)
• Kraft singles or other American cheese
• Iceberg lettuce cut into thin strips
• Thinly sliced dill pickles
SPECIAL SAUCE:
• 2.5 tbsp finely diced white onion
• 1/2 cup mayo
• 2 tbsp relish
• 1/2 tbsp yellow mustard
• 1/2 tbsp ketchup
• 1/2 tsp white wine vinegar
• 1/2 tsp paprika
• 1/4 tsp onion powder
• 1/8 tsp garlic powder
LESS quickie
Process:
Mix all the special sauce ingredients together and put it in the fridge. Let it sit for a few hours if possible.
Get all your toppings ready. Slice the pickles, thinly slice the lettuce, and reeeally thinly slice the yellow onion.
Form the meat loosely into 4-5 balls. Be careful to not overwork the meat or make them too tight.
We can't agree over here on how best to describe the ball size so here are various reference points:
• A large plum or small peach.
• In between a golf ball and baseball.
• A badly swollen testicle.
• 3-4 ounces for those of you that have a scale for making pastries or selling mushrooms.
Heat a skillet on high. I like to do this outside on a grill when possible to avoid setting off the fire alarm. Saute the onions in a bit of oil or butter until nicely browned, and set aside.
Add a ball to the pan and flatten to bun size with an oiled stiff spatula. If your spatula has slits in it you can first cover it in foil and oil it so the meat doesn't stick. Twist the spatula as you lift which can also help prevent the meat from sticking. Season the smashed patty immediately with salt and pepper. Once the edges are browning, 2-3 minutes, scrape up all the crispy bits and flip the patty.
Spread some sauteed onions on the top and cover in a slice of cheese. Cook another minute or so until the cheese is melted and the bottom has crisped up to your liking. If you want the cheese extra goopy you can put a lid on the pan.
While the burgers are cooking I like to lightly toast the inside of the bun; this is personal preference.
I think layering the tastes and textures properly is turbo important so here's my method. For the record I also think Rasputin by Boney M is a highly underrated song, so do what you will with this opinion based information:
Spread a good layer of special sauce on the bottom bun, add some lettuce, then a few pickle slices. Add the patty with cheese side up. If you’re feeling slutty you can sauce up the top bun also. Smash it into your mouth hole. Smash in a second one, and feel remorse. Be a hero and do a third if you want but don't come crying to me if you've got sillystomach in fifteen minutes. You made your bed, be sweaty in it.
